People in my life (2)

[netpositive]

If nothing else, you can always serve as a bad example.
-cliche

My mother had a very difficult life, you see.

One of eleven farm kids, born into a family
where men were valued more highly than women,
and intelligence was viewed with suspicion.

My dad grew up in the same small town, attended
the same church, etc., and as he talked about my
mother's family, I could hear how my mother might
have - unconsciously - absorbed early on how to use
illness as a tactic to gain attention, or caring.

My dad once described to me what she was like when
they first married: "she was always 'nervous', but
also hard-working, intelligent, and very creative.
I thought I could help her."

11 years of marriage and several miscarriages and
stillbirths later, I fought through to being alive.

But when I was 2, our family lost a second baby
who would have been my brother, Adrian Randall.
There would be no more attempts after that one.
Just as well, perhaps. *shrug* I don't recall it
myself, but the death of my brother on the table
during blood transfusions was one of the earliest
family stories I knew. But not the saddest.

You see, as I grew up, my mother became a child.

In 1972, my mother was diagnosed as having bipolar
disorder. Her illness was never really affectable
or controllable by therapy, medications, or even
electroshock. Her depressive episodes were frequent
and severe enough to require hospitalization. Oh,
I don't doubt part of it _was_ a chemical problem.
Some medicines came tantalizingly close to working.
But over time it became clear her illness could be
a way of trying to get attention or control others.
So by the end, my mother's only real "relationships"
were with caretakers - doctors, nurses, companions.
She had no capacity to care for husband, or daughter.

I was lucky that my dad loved me, and he did the best
he could to help me develop into the person I am today,
and to keep me from being trapped in my mother's life.

I am lucky in my family and friends, in my many talents
and skills, in my own strength, in my ability to cope.

I am very lucky that I am able to live the life that I do,
and that I am able to take care of myself as necessary.

I am grateful for all these gifts, and I use them wisely.

I am learning that my own needs are also important.

I am learning that it's all right to ask for what I need from others.

I am learning that connections with other people can be healthy ones.

I am learning that I have great capacity for compassion, but even greater capacity for caring and sharing.