netpositive: (Default)
I dreamed this morning that I was dodging fireballs
shaped like ghostly freight trains, in a basement
I know quite well.

We opened a casement window to escape. People got out,
but the piano was destroyed. I was in no danger, but.

Ah, sometimes Tir'na Na Nog'th is a subconscious...
But these past few weeks, been entirely too literal.

How do you get the goose out of the bottle?

How do you get out?
netpositive: (sato)
I'd like to go to Italy
Just to eat the food
Just to drink the wine
Just to go

-Patty Larkin, "Italy"
    So, this post is not about Italy. It's about Japan.

    A friend recently commented that he didn't think of me
    as a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl. :) I was entertained
    because that's close what I think of as my "normal state",
    but this friend has generally seen me (1) in contexts where
    I should be wearing fancier clothes, or (2) when I'm cold
    and wearing sweater or sweatshirt -- which are often hiding
    a T-shirt.

    (1) involves everything from work to dancing, and I get as
    close as I can to social norms without sacrificing too much
    to fashion; (2) includes everything under, say, 65 degrees.

    But I have certain T-shirts that between physical comfort
    and emotional meaning, I come back to again and again. Some
    of them are so worn and tattered now that I only unfold and
    don them for "special occasions". Others hang in there -- or
    more precisely, don't hang because they often get yanked out
    of the clean laundry basket before folding even occurs.

    Two of them involve Japan in some way, which is why this post
    comes out in this particular way and this particular time.

    I went to Japan in Aug. 2007. Not to go to the Worldcon in
    Yokohama (just like I went to Los Angeles in 1996 not to go
    to Worldcon). As Patty Larkin would say, "Just to go."

    Just to be.

    I've lost my luggage in the Tokyo subway locker system;
    bought a CD from a band named Hanamizuki playing free on
    Minato-Mirai plaza; seen The Great Sasuke and Ultimo Dragon
    performing at Korakuen Hall; stood in the Ghibli Museum
    wearing my Princess Mononoke T-shirt; and climbed to a peak
    of Daisetsuzan, aka the "Roof of Hokkaido".


    I've used the Internet to discover the best "jingisukan"
    in Sapporo, and Lonely Planet to locate its two sublime
    ramen-noodle alleys; stopped over in Tomokomai because of
    a poster for an exhibition of matchbox art; experienced
    shinkansen and subways, ryokans and train sleeping cars,
    but did not try a capsule hotel; and discovered "umeshuu".


    I've chatted with train conductors, zookeepers, members of
    art museums, convenience store attendants, early morning
    sushi aficionados, temple attendants, and more: I, in my
    stumbling Japanese, them practicing English eagerly in turn.


    I've been to Sendai. I have a picture of the train station
    sign for Hachinohe because I loved its kanji. I've walked
    the streets of Aomori, provided crazy gaijin amusement for
    their police dept., and had to eat a "tako doonatsu" that
    my kosher-eating companion bought by mistake while he was
    still catching up to me on transliterating and translating.

    My language is rusty again, and my bottle of umeshuu is just
    about empty, but my expired rail pass is still in my backpack.
    For I do miss that alien self, adrift in a stranger's world.

    Clad in a T-shirt, and jeans.

    So, my Japan: never #1 on my list of places I'd want to live
    (that'd be a slightly smaller island known as "the Big Island"),
    but in the top 3. Because I never expect to "belong" anywhere,
    and I would even tell you I don't like to travel... just to be.

    Even now.

    So, send help if you can. Or at least a positive thought or two.

I'd like to go to Japan
So my passport would look used
Just to change my point of view
Just to go

-me, paraphrasing Patty

Direct Relief International for the people and places
American Humane Association for injured/abandoned animals
netpositive: (Default)
... I guess I'll have to show more skin
in the next one. The public's demandin' it.
Y'know, when they ask for meat
you can't give 'em vegetables.

-Ruby Carter, _It Ain't No Sin_
    If you did something for me?
    Thank you. I appreciate it.

    If I did something for you?
    You're welcome. My pleasure.

    And if we didn't do anything?
    It's okay. Try again tomorrow.

    I feel my connection to the divine.
    I'm grateful for the light and heat.
    But a rainstorm would be lovely too.
Kiss me & don't forget
What you see is what you get

Oysterband, "Blood Wedding"
netpositive: (firehand)
Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief.
-Swedish proverb
    Statement 1: I am comfortable in myself and I value my friends.
    Statement 2: I value my friends and I am comfortable in myself.
    Do you feel any difference?
    Do you feel any different?
    Do you believe any differently?

    I believe there's a difference between a
    pain in the heart and a pain in the neck.

    I believe there's a difference between
    education and a lecture.

    I believe there's a difference between
    honey and vinegar.

    If you don't understand me or
    think I should be different,
    you don't understand me and
    you're right, I am different.

    And you know, if you think me childish, then
    hey, I think I'll run along and play now.
In the sweetness of friendship
let there be laughter, and
sharing of pleasures.

-Kahlil Gibran
netpositive: (iconnerific)
Go, PowerCat, go!
    Walking home from work last evening,
    I walked into the wind.

    Walking to work this morning,
    I walked into the wind.

    I feel on the verge of uplift --
    but the wind is always in front,
    and I don't know how to sail.
    Or remember, yet, how to fly.
A man traveling through the darkness
is yet traveling. The disciple is learning
when he does not know that he is learning,
and as a result he may well chafe. In winter,
Rumi reminds him, a tree is collecting nutriment.
People may think that it is idle, because they
do not see anything happening. But in spring
they see the buds. Now, they think, it is working.
There is a time for collecting, and a time for
releasing. This brings the subject back to
the teaching: "Enlightenment must come little
by little—otherwise it would overwhelm."

Idries Shah
    I realize that I am very lucky.
    It is a measure of my own 'success'
    that I have room to look for more.

    Sitting out in the sun to read, it helps.
    And the scent of hyacinths, in the market.
    On the verge of something I feel, I can't see.

    I try to savor today, yet can't help but ask:
    is it tomorrow yet?
Discipline is remembering what you want.
bmindful affirmations
netpositive: (Default)
Where's your head at?
Where's your head at?

Basement Jaxx
    Is it fair to make this post just after midnight?

    In a new month, to boot?

    Yesterday: felt like the first time I've breathed
    for days. I still had moments of anger and wasn't
    being productive, but I cleaned out some stuff.

    - walk outside
    - see the sun
    - mail a box
    - have chai
    - get more radishes
    - return all library books
    - drop off recycling
    - listen to music
    - work on stretching my mind
    - share some time
    - stay warm
    - be sadly amused
    - remember "I could have told you that at Cardosa"
    - plan for future organizing
    - continue research

    - go to sleep.
Your first draft of any piece of work is "mud" ---
raw material.... If the first draft's awful, great!
It's meant to be. It's only raw material. However,
if you don't create the first draft, or you wait
until you have a really great idea that's worth a
first draft, you won't write anything. Write. Make mud.

-Angela Booth
netpositive: (frenchy)
My intentions create my reality.
-Positive Affirmations at


+ savored taste of first cup of tea
+ practiced Portuguese numbers via license plates
+ ate healthily throughout the day
+ rest of team in Requisite tools training
+ finally freed from fixing HTML and Javascript myself
+ issues with prototype reported, some even got fixed
+ leftover fried rice was still perfectly edible
+ had plenty of spinach and radishes as well
+ reviewed the DwtS exercise DVD, looks useful
+ relaxed in the evening, got to bed early
+ good, encouraging conversation before going to sleep
+ looking forward to spring

+ slept through the entire night
+ two cute cats waiting for food
+ quick drive to work, practice numbers again
+ issues with prototype being fixed faster than reported
+ plenty of broccoli and red peppers with lunch
+ finally get shower filters ordered
+ use 'searchfu' to find a great template for UI documentation
+ amused how much it looked like something I created at previous job
+ listen to Phantom of the Opera song on the way home
+ have someone else make dinner for me
+ like the taste of the red wine
+ save half of steak for leftovers
+ use more 'searchfu' to find "Notes/Primadonna" lyrics online
+ listen to Jonathan Coulton in the frozen food aisle
+ able to turn someone's van headlights off
+ realize Queen's "Live at the Bowl" is in car CD case
+ give someone a lift home from work
+ start planning to do errands during tomorrow's after-work gap
+ remember dinner plans the night before, rather than the day of
+ looking forward to dancing

I reject your reality and substitute my own!
-Adam Savage
netpositive: (bluebells)
Do I feel better because I remember to take the vitamins --
or do I remember to take the vitamins because I feel better?

+ definitely getting over my cold
+ Stojko has figured out the alarm means "Mom's awake! She can PET MEEEEE!"
+ drive to work went well
+ morning was productive, if a little repetitive
+ helped keep conversation going at team lunch
+ good about my diet at lunch
+ grocery store within walking distance for afternoon break
+ some sunshine, not freezing cold
+ afternoon was reasonably productive, with promise of better process tomorrow
+ being on same wavelength with project manager for once
+ good exercise session
+ helpful checkout clerk at Route 1 Giant
+ found out that the Popeye's in Laurel is a drive thru
+ kept dinner size small
+ did not snack later

+ slept well
+ rained overnight (we do need it)
+ can feel that spring is coming
+ saw a gorgeous black and white longhair cat
+ had an easy drive to work
+ morning was very productive
+ getting on same wavelength with programmer for once
+ afternoon was calmer, but things are still moving along
+ stopped by Mom's organic store on way home
+ no problems with drive home
+ fascinating cloud layers at sunset
+ beautiful image of Jefferson Memorial dome in the hazy dusk
+ listening to Springsteen's "Jungleland" across the bridge
+ getting home as the sun sets
+ leftovers were still good
+ watched "The Abominable Snow-Man" cartoon
+ going dancing to a band I like

Sometimes it's just nice to have someone else
carry your bags, even if you could do it yourself.
netpositive: (frenchy)
The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal.
The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.

– Benjamin Mays
    One can do things without having a goal, but
    then there's no good way to measure progress.

    The last couple of years have been both personally and
    professionally difficult, but useful. I learned that
    things happen, and you deal with them, and move on.

    And sadly there *were* a lot of positive things
    that I never wrote about, mostly because it takes me
    such a long time to write anything -- and then often
    by the time I figured things out, the urgency to write
    had passed.

    I am always very happy about good things that happen to
    other people. My friend noire has a new book coming out,
    as does ctan. Whuffle and halleyscomet are about to have
    their first child. Other people are graduating, marrying,
    getting new jobs, studying abroad, moving on, moving out.

    Where am I right now?

    I'll try to talk more about good things as I go along.
    But I know I'm not perfect. And I don't want to crow,
    or make other people envious. I work hard -- but I also
    know I'm very lucky. And I'm grateful for those of you
    who have supported me in good times and in tough ones.

Remember not only to say the right thing
in the right place, but far more difficult still,
to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

-Ben Franklin
netpositive: (Default)
New opportunities to use my special skills
now open up for me.

A "Vital Affirmations" Card
    So. Another place that I interviewed called, just
    two business days after I accepted the first (good) offer.
    I cut him off gently and told him about it
    before he got to the reason for his call,
    so I don't actually know whether
    they were going to offer or not.
    I suppose I could have let them go ahead,
    if they were so inclined.
    On Friday, or even Monday, I would have done so.
    I was prepared to, then. I was ready for things.
    And, I certainly could have used more ego boost.
    (For that matter, I still could use it.)

    But now it's Tuesday, and I'm struggling here.
    I am hoping I've gotten one positive thing set up
    for the near future, but nothing feels certain yet.
    And I'm really discontented with what is currently,
    and I'm not handling it very well. Other things are
    continuing wrong, and I don't know how to fix them.

    And I didn't need to feel like I was second-choice
    or second-rate, any more than I already do. *sigh*

    No, this isn't the life I dreamed of, or even wanted
    a few years ago. It's just the life I have right now.
    But there ought to be more than just being grateful
    everyone woke up alive this morning. Isn't there?

    So I guess maybe I just wanted to say to someone today
    that hey, someone else wanted me in some fashion.
    Wanted me as I am now, apparently.
    Talked to me and listened to me and liked me.
    Even asked what I wanted, and actually gave it to me.

    Why is that so hard?

    Please renew my connection with life. Please. Please.
    I want to see the sun.
    I want to be warm.
    I want to be.

Don't give up too easily.
Give it your best and feel tested.

-Morgan Green
netpositive: (Default)
Ive seen so many things that made me wonder
But sometimes its hard to tell--

-Lindsey Buckingham

    - sunny
    - 8 AM conference call, sounds like workflow is picking up
    - still sunny
    - sent director, logistics my current project status and upcoming availability
    - did I mention sunny?
    - went hiking in woods without leaves
    - put sunscreen on nose and cheeks
    - ate already-shelled pistachios
    - sunny and warm!
    - saw tadpoles
    - made sure to drink water
    - heard birds, but never saw one other than a lone crow scouting overhead
    - hooray for sunny and warm
    - laughed at hearing a power saw
    - bought a flyswatter at Target
    - my car smelled like hyacinths
    - started rereading _Barrayar_ (the one Vorkosigan book I don't own myself)
    - dinner involved ground beef, mushrooms, spaghetti squash, and radishes
    - relaxed a bit (about 37 on the 40 point scale ;) )
    - dancing, did a lot of broad smiling even though no basket whips tonight
    - this week's band has improved back to "yeah, gotta remember I like them now"
    - still warm when I came home
    - but felt cool mist when I went back out to the car
    - put the comforter back on the bed

    - wild thunderstorm at 4 AM
    - didn't bother to open my eyes to see lightning, just listened to the booming
    - dreaming about screaming at someone else
    - Stojko was cuddly: purrs, licks, headbutts, flops, the whole kitten kaboodle
    - got up late, had my morning cups of tea
    - had an article on Bob Dorough read to me after breakfast
    - listened to "Verb! That's What's Happening" [cause and effect :) ]
    - my desk smells like hyacinths
    - Sato seems to have suddenly decided my lap is a okay place to glom onto
    - weather sucks. overcast, cooling. blah. more than ready for spring.
    - check arrives in the mail
    - start planning next few days at least
    - keep looking up, if not always forward
Here comes the night time
Lookin' for a little more
Waitin' on the right time
Somebody outside the door
Don't blame me
Please be strong I know I'm not wrong

-Lindsey Buckingham
netpositive: (iconnerific)
    My best girl friend from college is dead.

    I remember us laughing at the X-rated movie nights
    run then by UMBC Student Government, because in
    those days the Maryland Censor Board was still in
    operation and their idea of X-rated would barely
    raise an eyebrow at 8 PM today, much less midnight.

    I remember the night I held her while she cried
    her heart out, because the jerk who was using her,
    had dumped her. [And how horrible I felt because
    I'd predicted it would happen, almost to the exact
    hour.] How angry I was that she went back with him
    later on and let him take advantage of her some more.
    I never hid my feelings about _him_ if she asked, but
    if it made her happy, then I tried to support _her_.

    I remember her: flirting, smoking, playing bridge,
    wearing skirts, and managing (most) other people well.

    I tried to tell her many things. I know I didn't always
    make sense to her (and I didn't always make sense to me,
    especially back in those days) but again, she was loyal.

    I was there when they broke up again, for good, and I
    tried to let her know how worthwhile she was in herself.

    I was maid of honor at her first wedding, to someone
    I'd once lived with for 4 years, and still cared for.
    I was so glad they had "found" each other at last.
    I thought they would be good together... and for a
    time, I think they were. But we all have our flaws,
    and under too much pressure lives may change shape.
    Sometimes they turn into something new and better.
    But sometimes they just turn, like curdling milk.

    We lost touch after the divorce. Different people,
    different lives - so often we'd had little in common
    but memories, and loyalty. I worried that I would
    remind her too much of a past she finally needed to
    cut herself free from. I felt I had nothing more I
    could give her - nothing I hadn't already given her
    when we were different people, in different lives.

    Apparently, she had just recently remarried. :(

    Oh Sandy, I'm sorry this had to happen to you now.
    You were such a smart and talented woman. I always
    felt you deserved more and better out of life than
    sometimes you got.

    Including, maybe, your best friend from college.
netpositive: (iconnerific)
The coincidence of a vague physical resemblance
followed by an accidental but absolute audio replica
brings up a vibrant ghost from the past...
    I close my eyes,
    and I just hear your voice.

    the power of sound,
    after all this time apart.

    I could never explain to others
    how so many of your questions got answers,
    how the simplest of words complicated everything.

    the vowels in your last name,
    I know nothing has changed except the calendar.

    Pain may drain away.
    But anger - and hunger - stay.

    I paid.
    Still, I do regret
    not always doing right by you.

    I close my eyes,
    and I just hear your voice.

    Every night,
    I close my eyes.
netpositive: (Default)
The feet on the path are all mine.

Focus on each step, no matter how small.

    Some things that happen in a week:

    Text behind cut )

    I want to be.
    I want to be great.
    I want to dance better.
    I want to live healthier.
    I want to be happy at work.
    I want to be better organized.
    I want to see friends more often.
    I want to listen to a lot of music.
    I want to be both seen *and* heard.
    I want to be actively listened to.
    I want to take care of myself first.
    I want to take more days off work.
    I want to have better connection.
    I want more of what I want.
    I want to be considered.
    I want to play more.
    I want who I want.
    I want to dream.
    I want light.
    I want to.
    I want.
    I need.
    I am.
Just for today I will take a compliment
and hold it in my heart for more than just
a fleeting moment. I will let it nurture me.
netpositive: (Default)
My dad has lived almost all of his lifetime
in a 10 mile area of Harford County, MD.

The house of my childhood and teenage years,
and the house of my paternal grandparents,
are both tenths of a mile of where he's now
building a long-awaited retirement house.

But I don't miss either of those places at all
when I go back to visit with him nowadays.

What I miss is the Bel Air Bowl, which was
the first real refuge I had during the worst
years of late grade school (5th-7th) and the
slow spiraling downward of my mother's illness.

Scene of my first crush (my best girlfriend's
younger brother); my first being asked out on
a "date"*; and some of the early dates with my
first two serious boyfriends, during my senior
year of high school, before I left town for college,
and for good.

And of course the best girlfriend mentioned above,
Debbie Narvell, plus several other good friends
from juniors leagues who gave me Friday evenings
and Saturday mornings I could look forward to,
when sometimes there was little else positive
in my life.

So, if you see a lump in my throat when I find out
they've turned the location into an auction service
and a Gold's Gym, or if you see me watching the PBA
with a mixed air of longing and belonging, you see
what that small-town bowling alley meant to me.

*I was stood up, by someone whom I wasn't that interested in,
but who had absolutely *pestered* me to go out with him. So I saw the
original _Rocky_ by myself, because I had already bought the ticket
and couldn't get in touch with my parents to pick me up at the mall.
netpositive: (Default)
I will fulfill my promise.
    Avoided the madness in downtown DC tonite
    by going up to the AFI in Silver Spring MD
    and seeing _Casablanca_ on the big screen
    instead, for the first time in many years.

    Watching it after a year of taking pictures
    had much the same effect as the first time
    I reread _Lord of the Rings_ after studying
    literary criticism. I was fascinated by the
    light and shadow effects in certain scenes,
    and especially how consciously Ingrid Bergman
    was posed and framed in light and by shadow.

    It made me want to buy a better camera.

    It made me want to work for a better world.

    It made me think about love, and sacrifice.

We don't receive wisdom;
we must discover it for ourselves
after a journey that no one
can take for us or spare us.

-Marcel Proust
netpositive: (Default)
The actual conversation )
Context explanation:

(1) Jeff and I both live in the Balti-Wash area, are both long-time members of the Baltimore Science Fiction Society, and our “home convention” is Balticon.

(2) Dale *Farmer* is from the Boston area, but is staying at Jeff’s house currently for some short-term contract work. Due to said work, he cannot attend this year’s Balticon as he usually would, but he is still providing some equipment for it. I am familiar with him in that context, but Jeff is not.

(3) Dale *Arnold* is: the person who got me into BSFS, the con chair for this year’s Balticon, and the most logical first name association for Jeff to make in this situation. (The poor guy is probably also quite puzzled as to what was going on just now.... a terrible thing to do to a Club Pessimist!)

(4) Where the problem arose: to me, Dale Arnold is actually *Steve* Arnold – i.e., older brother of my high school boyfriend Don, and more to the point, the eldest son of another Dale Arnold. Thus he is known as “Steve” inside his family - thus I was introduced to him many many many years ago - and thus he is still filed in my brain.
netpositive: (Default)
This idea came via Dave Hogg,
who got it in turn from dmmaus.


  1. Start just outside your front door.

  2. Take 100 steps.

  3. Take a photo of whatever looks interesting.

  4. Take another 100 steps, take another photo.

  5. Repeat until you have walked at least 1000 steps, more if you wish.

  6. Post photos with comments.

* Try to mix it up a bit. Streetscapes, landscapes, interiors, candid portraits, close ups, etc.
* Bend the rules if you want.

I often mention my walk to work
in the mornings in my LJ, so I hope
this view of some of the things I see
may be an interesting window for you
into a part of my time and space...
Links to pictures, captions, and explanations... )
netpositive: (Default)
A deep storehouse of extremely positive thinking
manifests within me in any situation of need.

    I sometimes stress out about time and money.

    Money: )
I already possess within me anything I need
to become anything I want to be.

I have a rich collection of friends who value my qualities.

I take care of myself, but I ask for help when I need it.
netpositive: (Default)
Who would break a butterfly on a wheel?
The Cult, beginning of "Soul Asylum"
    It was a good enough weekend.
    I offered friendship and support as appropriate.
    I showed love and loyalty when it seemed needed.
    I did what I could to make others' lives easier.

    Oh yes, those things are valued, I know.

Not me, my precious child
The Cult, next line


netpositive: (Default)

February 2013

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