Wrestling with death.

[netpositive]

That's me in the corner,
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
-R.E.M.

I already knew, but it was also the very first thing
I heard on the radio as I got into the car.

Driving home tonight was about as creepy a trip
as I've ever taken. Lights were all too bright,
cars were far too close. I had to turn the radio
down twice, and then completely off.

It seemed like people were driving worse than usual.
Then I noticed the 14th Street Bridge goes over water.
I'm so used to going over it, it seldom registers now,
but it did tonight. And the disabled cars, with people
standing so close to traffic doing 50+ mph. And planes
flying low overhead. And... and...

And my chest is hurting because I'm still breathing,
but barely, head and heart both arguing with lungs
and intestines. Long pauses between short breaths, and
a painful pit in the bottom of my stomach, telling me:
"And someday, you know, that will be you. Someday."

No, it's not me. Not yet. I'm still alive, for now.
But you never know, do you. Who, what, where, when.

So often, I don't know how you other people do it.
How do you live daily with the terror that someday,
you'll die? Feeling that there is no one standing
between you and eternity? Worrying there is never
enough time, and seeing what you've already wasted?
Knowing that whenever life stops -- then you lose?

I hate being so afraid of death, what feels like
all the time. Sometimes I feel like it goes away.
I go days, weeks, months without dwelling on it.

And then something happens, to bring it all back.

Or worse. And yes, this is about me, but it's also
me thinking about death and anger and grief and loss
and how you handle it. And me mourning the tragedy of
someone I met in person for a brief moment years ago,
but whose work I have admired for over two decades.

No, I don't want to be just waiting here for death.
Yes, I do want to live. And I don't want to die.
But sometimes, I find myself losing the way.
And so often, I'm so scared.

R.I.P.
Daniel Benoit, 2000-2007
Nancy Daus Benoit, 1964-2007
Chris Benoit, 1967-2007

Comments

[selki.livejournal.com]

How do you live daily with the terror that someday,
you'll die? Feeling that there is no one standing
between you and eternity? Worrying there is never
enough time, and seeing what you've already wasted?
Knowing that whenever life stops -- then you lose?

It helps me to know that people love me and will remember me, and people love them and will remember them. It helps me to know that I've helped people sometimes, cheered them, and comforted them. It helps me to believe that we're all connected. It helps me to know my genes will go on, more or less (five nieces). It helps me to know that there is good in the world, and beauty, and joy. It helps me to have seen Tom Stoppard's Arcadia and to believe what the tutor tells his charge when she's upset over the loss of the library of Alexandria: we can rediscover things that have been lost.

*hugs*