Wrestling with death.

[netpositive]

That's me in the corner,
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion
-R.E.M.

I already knew, but it was also the very first thing
I heard on the radio as I got into the car.

Driving home tonight was about as creepy a trip
as I've ever taken. Lights were all too bright,
cars were far too close. I had to turn the radio
down twice, and then completely off.

It seemed like people were driving worse than usual.
Then I noticed the 14th Street Bridge goes over water.
I'm so used to going over it, it seldom registers now,
but it did tonight. And the disabled cars, with people
standing so close to traffic doing 50+ mph. And planes
flying low overhead. And... and...

And my chest is hurting because I'm still breathing,
but barely, head and heart both arguing with lungs
and intestines. Long pauses between short breaths, and
a painful pit in the bottom of my stomach, telling me:
"And someday, you know, that will be you. Someday."

No, it's not me. Not yet. I'm still alive, for now.
But you never know, do you. Who, what, where, when.

So often, I don't know how you other people do it.
How do you live daily with the terror that someday,
you'll die? Feeling that there is no one standing
between you and eternity? Worrying there is never
enough time, and seeing what you've already wasted?
Knowing that whenever life stops -- then you lose?

I hate being so afraid of death, what feels like
all the time. Sometimes I feel like it goes away.
I go days, weeks, months without dwelling on it.

And then something happens, to bring it all back.

Or worse. And yes, this is about me, but it's also
me thinking about death and anger and grief and loss
and how you handle it. And me mourning the tragedy of
someone I met in person for a brief moment years ago,
but whose work I have admired for over two decades.

No, I don't want to be just waiting here for death.
Yes, I do want to live. And I don't want to die.
But sometimes, I find myself losing the way.
And so often, I'm so scared.

R.I.P.
Daniel Benoit, 2000-2007
Nancy Daus Benoit, 1964-2007
Chris Benoit, 1967-2007

Comments

[davehogg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for putting into words something that keeps me up at night more than anything else.

As for this story, it always bothers me when someone that I admired dies, but those two? Like this?

My only glimmer of hope is that, just maybe this story will be horrible enough to force Vince or someone to actually do something. If any other publicly-traded company had key employees dropping dead in their 30s and 40s on a regular basis, and often taking others with them, the stock would be at a dollar.