Time and money

[netpositive]

A deep storehouse of extremely positive thinking
manifests within me in any situation of need.

I sometimes stress out about time and money.



I only really stress out about money when I feel
like I don't know/understand how to handle it (yet).

My family background is recently risen middle-class -
farm folk, teachers, salesmen, housewives. We were
not poor - however, my parents knew what it was like
to be Depression-era poor, and so were very cautious
with their savings, investments, and retirement plans.

One of the few things I *didn't* know/learn anything
about growing up was money. I didn't have a checking
account until after I graduated from college, and I
didn't get a credit card until I was about to go to
grad school and needed to establish credit to buy a
car (for commuting from Baltimore to College Park).
I freaked out the first time I had to fill out any
tax form other than the 1040EZ. If I had had to buy
a house by myself the first time out, I might still
be daunted by the very idea. I've been fully supporting
myself financially since my senior year in college,
and I've learned a lot since then. I've had to. :l

Still, in spite of having worked hard half of my life,
and having done some planning but also had some lucky
bounces, I *can* still be stressed out by new/changes
in how I may need, or want, to handle money in my life.
I particularly hate the feeling that I don't have enough
information, or don't understand something well enough,
for me to make the best possible decision in a situation.

I need to remind myself that I can only do the best I can.
Whatever happens, I have always made things work out somehow,
and I am that kind of person regardless of any single decision
I may make now, or later.

I already possess within me anything I need
to become anything I want to be.

I stress out about time because there isn't enough.
Time ticking - time clocking - time running - time
running out. When faced with eternity, who am I?
What have I touched? Have I left a mark? Was it good?

I don't often mention specific names in my journal
because I'm never quite sure how other people feel
about their privacy. I remember long ago seeing a
detail of a friend's other relationship referenced
in a journal, and it made me distinctly uncomfortable.

I write about myself, in my elliptical, encoded way.
I shed what light I can - look at what shadows reveal.
How do you find an invisible man? Try a paintball gun.
I am not defined by my relationships:
I am illuminated.

I don't like feeling like I'm intruding on others -
and I hate making people feel left out by accident -
but perhaps then I don't show people enough how much
they have meant and do mean to me -
don't thank them enough for how much
they have helped me and do help me.

So:

Thank you, Dad,
for all you were able to give and teach me.

Thank you, Michael and Marc,
who have given me so much light over time.

Thank you, John,
who reached out to me in the darkest hours.

Thank you, Jeremy,
for not fully understanding, but still caring.

Thank you, Jeff,
for continuing to value our friendship highly.

Thank you, Dave,
for listening, but also for talking back to me.

Thank you, Mom,
for being so proud of me. I didn't understand then.
I was so resentful. I understand a bit better now,
and I'm sorry.

I have a rich collection of friends who value my qualities.

I take care of myself, but I ask for help when I need it.