Strategy and tactics (9)

Irrational idea for today:
Get angry at yourself for all those things not done,
and just give up. Why bother? Who cares, really?

Write down the facts.

Down time. Dead time. Resentment. Resistance.
Have not been as productive at work recently.
Didn't write words three of the last five days.
Forgot to use two coupons to save on books.
Have done zero shopping for the holidays yet,
and have no idea what to get anyone, either.
Spent a week waiting on someone to call me back
about something important, albeit not urgent.
Skipped possible dancing opportunities twice.
Can't focus on anything to look forward to.
Connected with the divine all Wednesday night --
but connected with nothing since then.

Write down your subjective self-talk.

"You'll never accomplish what you want to.
You're going nowhere right now and that will
never ever change. Everything before this was
just a lie, to get your hopes up. You're not
paying attention to anything or anyone important
and you are unable to change your bad patterns.
Look at your inconsistent control of your diet.
Think of all the things you haven't done by now.
You hate the 'holiday season'/this time of year,
and you resist any encouragement or insistence
from others to be happy, or participate in it;
it is unnatural not to enjoy this, and you have
no right to be/feel so different from others."

Describe your emotional response.

I feel like I'm not who or what I think I am,
and that's frustrating after a too short period
of feeling better and more "me" than usual. I feel
like I must not really have the self-discipline
or abilities I envision myself as having, and so
I'm a terrible being - a waste of time and space.

I also hate having my schedule/routine disrupted;
and Thanksgiving through New Year's is a time
every year when that happens to me.

I also really hate being told by others that I
"have to", "should" or "must" do certain things --
even if I agree and believe in them, or not.

And then I hate myself for not being thoughtful
of others, and for not sharing their happiness.

I have become so afraid to look forward to the
future for fear of disappointment. I'm afraid
to try to change things -- even broken ones --
for fear of renewed, or different, failure.

Then I'm mad at myself for not even living up to
my own expectations - for not finding hope in
things - for not going forward all the time.

Dispute and change irrational self-talk.

I don't normally regret for long things, esp
minor ones, which I have not done once they are
past. Also, I am usually good about discharging
my obligations without undue resentment. I must
be feeling a lot of extra performance pressure
imposed on me by myself and perhaps (knowingly
or otherwise) by others. Part of this may be my
(mis)perception of others' expectations of me...

I know this time of year is always very difficult
for me, when it gets dark and cold and my routine
is thrown off, and I don't feel like celebrating.

I also know I am often afraid of change because
I don't know what will happen afterwards --
and I may not be in control of what does.

This is all conflicting with my desire that
*this year*, "things will be different":
because I have things I really want to do
and relationships that I want to maintain,
or improve, despite my feeling lethargic and
disconnected, and overwhelmed by pressure.

Substitute alternative, rational self-talk.

You've run into a whole bunch of roadblocks!
Let's take them one at a time out of that wall.

You do good work, and that will continue.
However, you would like periodic feedback
from others that you are helpful and useful.
At present, you're not getting much of that.
But you will have your annual review soon and
that should tell you where you stand and what
you can do to improve yourself or help others.

You did write, two days out of five. Both days
you did extra beyond your (self-imposed) goal.
Two of those other days you did some research
that you've recorded in your notes to support
your upcoming work. Plus you should have some
help with your research as you get organized
and know what -- or who -- to ask for.

More books? You have plenty to go through yet!
There will be other chances -- and coupons --
whenever you finally need more reference works.

As for your unhappiness about holiday shopping,
this is a manifestation of your fears about money,
uncertainty, and simple lack of time, as well as
frustration with insistent insanity in spite of
both negative and positive reality checks. However,
you generally shop for others via wish lists and
gift cards. You also try to help others who need it,
via charity donation requests or invisible acts of
kindness. It all happens, at an appropriate level,
in a way that works for both you and the recipients.

You did collect needed contact and resources
information, so that you can now proceed with
settling something you've procrastinated about.
You are taking steps to take care of yourself in
smaller and larger ways; however, there will be
moments when you fall down, for whatever reason.
Blaming yourself never helps get you back up.

You have celebrated, and will celebrate, with
someone important to you; even if you do feel
fear of the implicit acknowledgment that time
passes, you can still be grateful for all the
time that is, and all your presences in it.

In addition, you are back in touch with people
both close and far away from you, and you have
another chance to let them know what they mean
to you. You can do things you want to. It's ok
to balance that with what others want you to do.

Remember: a phone is simply a tool. Use it.

Notice your thoughts and feelings,
acknowledge them non-judgementally,
and let them go.

I feel these things. They may or may not be
rational, but I do not discount that I feel.

Refuting the irrational idea:

Look back. It was not a lie; it is your path.
Look down. Those are your feet, standing still.
Look forward. There is your chance to take steps.
Look up. Remember standing in a concrete courtyard
a few nights back, all those lights shining upwards
and one star looking down through reflected glory?

You haven't left the universe, any more than it's
left you. It finds you even in this. The universe
has a weird sense of humor, you see, by making you
go through ecstacy just to get to the laundry.

Fear of failure is understandable, especially when
you have been used to success. But the worst that
can happen could still be for the best if it frees
you from further fear of failure. So why not try?

Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't,
I give myself reasons why I can.
-anonymous

Tactics:

Listen to any music that helps right now.
Skip the rest until sumer is icumen in.

If there's blockage in the way, you have always
found my own unique way to get past it. Use your
innate resistance, rather than feeling used by it.
They say you can't, or you shouldn't? Say: "I can.
I will. I must. And no, I won't let you stop me."
Aikido your critics with their own negative energy.

Continue to get rid of ten things a day
to make room for the ten thousand things.
Then you will have what matters most to you.

Breathe.
Breathe once just to go in and out.
Breathe twice, to reestablish the pattern.
Breathe threefold -- for those who were,
for those who are, and for that which will be.
Then keep on breathing, however you do it.

Continue to celebrate even the smallest things.
If you don't share another's joy at this time,
don't disrespect it. Find it in your own terms.
If only the fact that the year, and the wheel,
will continue to turn -- that spring will come.

Listen to others -- but find your own voice.

If you hear a voice within you say
'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint,
and that voice will be silenced.
-Vincent Van Gogh