The time of someone else's life (1)

[netpositive]

My best girl friend from college is dead.

I remember us laughing at the X-rated movie nights
run then by UMBC Student Government, because in
those days the Maryland Censor Board was still in
operation and their idea of X-rated would barely
raise an eyebrow at 8 PM today, much less midnight.

I remember the night I held her while she cried
her heart out, because the jerk who was using her,
had dumped her. [And how horrible I felt because
I'd predicted it would happen, almost to the exact
hour.] How angry I was that she went back with him
later on and let him take advantage of her some more.
I never hid my feelings about _him_ if she asked, but
if it made her happy, then I tried to support _her_.

I remember her: flirting, smoking, playing bridge,
wearing skirts, and managing (most) other people well.

I tried to tell her many things. I know I didn't always
make sense to her (and I didn't always make sense to me,
especially back in those days) but again, she was loyal.

I was there when they broke up again, for good, and I
tried to let her know how worthwhile she was in herself.

I was maid of honor at her first wedding, to someone
I'd once lived with for 4 years, and still cared for.
I was so glad they had "found" each other at last.
I thought they would be good together... and for a
time, I think they were. But we all have our flaws,
and under too much pressure lives may change shape.
Sometimes they turn into something new and better.
But sometimes they just turn, like curdling milk.

We lost touch after the divorce. Different people,
different lives - so often we'd had little in common
but memories, and loyalty. I worried that I would
remind her too much of a past she finally needed to
cut herself free from. I felt I had nothing more I
could give her - nothing I hadn't already given her
when we were different people, in different lives.

Apparently, she had just recently remarried. :(

Oh Sandy, I'm sorry this had to happen to you now.
You were such a smart and talented woman. I always
felt you deserved more and better out of life than
sometimes you got.

Including, maybe, your best friend from college.

Comments

[cz_unit]

*hugs* I am sorry to hear that.

Chris

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, CZ. It's been a bit of a shock to several of us from that time. We were the ones who were supposed to be immortal, you see...

[cchan8.livejournal.com]

Heartfelt condolences for your loss... even if you did lose touch, this person clearly held a special place in your heart. I imagine I would feel the same way about my college roommate/friend who now lives in Austin.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Cora. I have a coworker who reminds me a little bit of her, but sadly I've become much warier of making friends with women since those days.

[badmagic.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Joe. I went dancing at Clarendon that same night and thought about how amused she would have been that nowadays I sometimes wear skirts, and follow.

[kimberlogic.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Kimberly. I'm normally happiest at seeing people in small groups or one-on-one, but it's moments like this where I wish I could collect everyone I like and put them on a big beautiful tropical island with a bunch of protection and preservation spells.

[patches023.livejournal.com]

Hugs. You can't save people from themselves, you can only be there for them.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Son[ijy?]a¹. I do say that to myself a lot, and sadly I've had to let some people go, but I am def feeling like I shouldn't have let her get quite _that_ far away.

¹ [sorry, I've never actually seen your name spelled out!]

[callibr8]

So sad to hear about this. The death of someone close in age, and once close in heart, is really really hard, I know (been there, mourned that). Sympathies. And thank you for sharing an eloquent tribute to someone who clearly was a very special woman.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Callie. It was funny - on the outside, she was the practical one and I the dreamer, but on the inside, she was much more romantic than I could ever dream of being.

[wcg.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've lost your friend.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Bill. Baltimore and Washington look so close together on a map, don't they? But then there's rivers and traffic and work and family commitments and schedules...

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Yep, all of those things. Right now I don't want to get anywhere near DC because of the bridge work.

[vandaluna.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Laura. From what little I know of you, I think you would have been a good friend for her to have in her life as well - someone to continue to encourage her to be outgoing, outrageous and opinionated... but with more intuitive understanding of what else drove her than maybe I could give her.

[vandaluna.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome.
We always try to help and encourage, but sometimes there is no touching what is down deep. It is entirely up to the individual to be reached, encouraged and held. I don't know what the answer is to helping others find that fullness and completion in themselves and it is difficult at times to remember it in myself. The only thing I do know is that one should always keep reaching, trying, loving and never become jaded and cynical. Somehow, I think somewhere in that lies the answer, perhaps. Fear is the "devil". Fear is darkness and death.

I know this may sound off the wall to you, but if I've said the right thing, it should not sound so strange.

Laura

[whuffle.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry.

I remember what this is like. Only I was about 15 then. We were only part way into our second year of high school. Losing Audrey to cancer haunted me and changed me for many years. I still think of her every Novemeber. I still wish I'd taken the time to do all the things I never did and say what I never said.

I know it will be a while before this goes away. Don't try to ignore it or deny it. Hold it close. Remember her. Eventually, the remembering will get easier. The questions fewer. The regrets quieter.

Until then, hold and feel the shape of regret and grief. We don't make nearly as much time for it as we should in our society.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Liz. I do feel like I did and said everything I could, but I could have made more effort to go on saying it.

Oh shit...

[jmax315.livejournal.com]

Sandy?!
No way. This cannot be.
Shit. Assorted other profanity.

Do you mind if I point Lea Purvis and C'ton at this post? I think they'd both want to know, and I don't know if they do.

Do you have any information about memorial services or suchlike?

Ouch.

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Sorry to break the news to you that way, John - as Sandy's ex-husband, Frank had heard the news first from Sandy's brother early yest. He called me as soon as he heard. He said he had already talked to C'ton, and so C'ton was going to relay the news to you and Sam Bell in turn. Guess the grapevine doesn't always work as fast as it used to. :(

Yes, please let Lea know if you are in touch with her. I know C'ton has me on his friends list, but I don't know how often he reads LJ.

No info on any memorial service at present. Will pass it along as Frank finds out.

Re: Ouch.

[(Anonymous)]

jmax called me this morning. Please do pass on info, I'm so sorry at this news. I love your post, though, you sketched a good snapshot of her that is bringing back more memories than I'd had just from jmax's call. Deep sigh, and I think we should all split the giantest bottle of Chardonnay we can find, in Sandy's memory.

----your eponymous friend

Just to make sure you get this info

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

I sent this directly to your LJ email address

All I know yet:

Where: Beall Funeral Home, 6512 Crain Hwy, Bowie, MD 20715

When and what:
Viewing Thurs (7/14/05) 2-4p and 7-9p
Funeral Fri. [don't know when or if it's family-only, will ask]

Frank and I will be going to the evening viewing.

[daecabhir]

I'm real sorry kiddo... I don't have much useful to offer except **hugs**

[netpositive.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I've been lucky to know so many people who are really great people.